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The worst thing you can ask at the start of any interaction is: “How are you?”
You’re essentially telling the other person that the interaction will be like every other interaction. They’ll most likely respond, “My day’s been busy. Good but busy.” It’s boring and generates a social script.
I’ve spent the last 17 years studying human behavior and what sparks connections between strangers. I’ve learned that trust can catch fire or die out right away, all due to small signals in those first seconds of an interaction.
Here’s what to do if you really want to instantly gain trust.
1. Skip the boring scripts
Don’t ask what everyone else is asking, like “What’s up?” or “Been busy lately?” Try a question that’s still casual, but looking for excitement. This sets you up for a better interaction.
A few examples:
- Don’t ask: “How’s it going?” Instead, ask: “What’s the highlight of your week so far?”
- Don’t ask: “Have you been keeping busy?” Instead, ask: “Any big wins lately?”
- Don’t ask: “Working on anything lately?” Instead, ask: “Working on anything exciting these days?”
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2. Look for the joy in their lives
If you want to generate trust with anyone, encourage them to tell stories about their lives. Be known for asking others what they are most looking forward to.
Here’s my trick:
- On Mondays and Tuesdays, I ask everyone, “Did you do anything fun this past weekend?”
- On Thursdays and Fridays, I modify it to, “Are you doing anything fun this upcoming weekend?”
- On Wednesdays, I ask, “Working on anything fun or exciting this week?”
- Before any holiday or break, I ask, “Looking forward to anything fun for the holidays?”
Everyone on my team and in my life knows I’m going to be asking for fun or exciting plans, so they save them up to tell me all about them (or avoid me when life is boring). It’s a win-win!
3. How to answer when someone asks ‘How are you?’
When it comes to building trust, it isn’t just the questions you ask, but how you respond when someone tries to connect with you, too.
The biggest mistake I see people make is that when they start conversations, they immediately lead with negativity: “Ugh this terrible weather!” or “My schedule has been crazy!” Instead, save one interesting thing to lead with and be ready when someone asks you a boring question.
The next time someone asks, “How are you?” try to respond with some humor or whimsy instead. You might try a reply like:
- “Good enough that I remembered to floss. So, a win.”
- “Running on caffeine and a dream.”
- “10 of 10 today, I just got one new follower on Instagram.”
- “Hanging in there like a cat on a motivational poster.”
Essentially, anything other than the standard “Busy, but good” will wake people up.
4. Your body language matters as much as your words
Words matter, but your body talks louder. Keep arms uncrossed and face them square to seem open. An open stance invites reciprocity; a closed one sparks doubt.
A solid handshake — one to three pumps, firm but easy — says you’re sure of yourself and can even signal your personality traits.
On video calls, lean in a bit to close the gap. If they nod, try nodding back. Matching or mirroring their body signals tells their brain you’re safe.
5. Practice in your everyday life
Test these tips in safe, low-pressure places, like chatting with a cashier, a neighbor, or a friend over coffee.
I do it myself before big talks — with my family at dinner, strangers in line, Uber drivers during rides, you name it — and it sharpens how I come across, making the moves feel second nature.
The key is to start small, and be consistent.
Try the question about positive future plans at lunch, or the mirroring body language on a walk. Over time, you’ll notice people opening up quicker, smiling more, and engaging deeper, even in brief encounters.
Vanessa Van Edwards is a speaker, researcher and the author of “Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People” and “Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication.” She is the founder of Science of People, where she leads workshops and courses on science-based soft skills to help people become better communicators.
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